Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
