Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
