I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
