dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
