i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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