it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
