BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
