so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
