His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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