omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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