Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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