so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Blood and glitter go together right?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
