chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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