walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He had one of those small greek statue penises
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
