there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
