So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
