Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
