I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
