I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
