I wish my penis had an off switch
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
