My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
