So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
