i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
