No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
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I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!