You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!