Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
