the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.