i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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