I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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