Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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