I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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