Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
