I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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