my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
