Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
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I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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