you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
