I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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