he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
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I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
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For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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