i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
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