At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It's just like the Real World with babies
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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