i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
