I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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