I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
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I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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