Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
