Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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