i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
