I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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