dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
