who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
