I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
