im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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