I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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