I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
