yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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