my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
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Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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