btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
