I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
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