well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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