I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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