Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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