The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
God, I missed his penis.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
