dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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